Adoption Myths: All About Birthmothers

Cover via Amazon   by Mardie Caldwellin Family / Parenting    (submitted 2011-09-20)
A myth, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is "a story that is usually of unknown origin and at least partially traditional, that ostensibly relates historical events usually of such character as to serve to explain some practice, belief, institution, or natural phenomenon."
Myths develop because not enough is known about a person or situation. Myths about birthmothers are no different. They have developed from a variety of sources, and society has come to develop them into a stereotype birthmother. For our purposes, let's call her Mary.
If you believe all the myths about Mary, then she is a teenager who has made a mistake with her boyfriend and finds herself pregnant. Because she is pregnant, she has dropped out of school. She has no job skills, so she has to go on welfare because her parents kicked her out. She does not want a baby and does not love the baby. She thinks it will be nice to find a situation where she could be a co-parent, letting other people help her but see the baby every couple of weeks, just in case she wants him back.
Are most birthmothers really like Mary? In a word, no.
The picture painted of Mary presents an overview of the six most common myths and misconceptions about birthmothers.
Myth 1: All birthmothers are teenagers.
The ages of birthmothers encompass the range of childbearing years. Yes, some are teenagers, but there are also women in their forties who are pregnant and considering adoption. The majority are in their twenties and thirties.
Myth 2: They are choosing adoption so they must not love the baby.
The decision to place a child for adoption is an extremely difficult one, often made because the birthmother loves her child. She often could have chosen an abortion, but, because she values the life of her baby, she has decided adoption is best for the child.
There are circumstances when a birthmother does not take care of herself because of a lack of self-love or other factors that may contribute to a self-loathing attitude. Because of this, she does not get proper treatment, and the child may be born with problems associated with alcohol and/or drugs.
Myth 3: All birthmothers are poor.
It is true that some birthmothers are on welfare and do not feel they can adequately provide for the baby. It is also true that there are birthmothers coming from middle-class backgrounds. They may already have children, may be attending college, or may live with their parents. This applies to teenagers and older people alike.
The truth is typically somewhere in between. Often, they feel like they are getting by but simply cannot provide for one more child in the midst of all they are already doing.
Myth 4: Birthmothers are never married.
Some are not married. Some are married. Marital status has little to do with whether or not a woman should consider adoption. A woman should never decide to parent a baby simply because they are married.
Married couples often are surprised with an unplanned pregnancy. For a struggling family, decisions such as this can be heart-wrenching and difficult, especially for a couple who cannot afford another child or whose relationship is strained to a near-breaking point already.
Myth 5: Birthmothers have no education and no job skills.
Birthmothers can have college degrees, can be going to school, or have a prominent position. Most all have completed high school and have held jobs. Many are currently parenting other children which can be a full-time job! Some may have learning disabilities that make it difficult for them in a school setting.
Myth 6: Birthmothers want ongoing contact in case they change their minds.
Open adoption does not mean that the birthmother wants a co-parent. With open adoption, the birthmother gets to know the people who are adopting the child. Adoptive parents let the birthmother get to know the child as he or she grows up. All parenting decisions are made by the adoptive parents. Through this process, the birthmother knows her child and has the piece of mind that she has made the right decision.
A birthmother has a certain time period in which she can revoke consent of the adoption, usually no more than 30 days. After that, she can no longer change her mind.
So then what's a typical birthmother like?
A typical birthmother is in her 20's, parenting other children, and wants a better life for her child than she can provide. She may have a man in her life, but likely not one that is currently taking the role of an active dad to her kids. She realizes that adoption is a difficult decision but she knows it is the best choice for this child. She also knows that while ongoing contact may be painful sometimes, she needs the reassurance that her child is growing up happy, healthy, and with the family that she choose for him or her. About the Author
Mardie is a Certified Open Adoption Practitioner, who founded Lifetime Adoption Center (http://www.LifetimeChristianAdoption.com) in 1986 and is currently facilitating over 130 adoptions a year. She has also written numerous books on adoption, including Called To Adoption: The Christian's Guide to Answering the Call (http://www.CalledToAdoption.com).
Mardie Caldwell

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Adopting a Child -Key Factors to Consider

Image by Tony Trần via Flickr
While deciding that you want to adopt a child can be made quickly, the actual process of adoption is typically a long one. You shouldn't let this keep you from doing it because the process ensures a better life for the child but it is a good idea to try to prepare yourself for it. To help you better prepare yourself for the process, here is some information that you need to know about the subject.
It is important, if you want to adopt, to first think about the basic characteristics of who you want to adopt. You need to be very honest here and talk about this a lot with your partner. There are all sorts of kids who need good homes and that means that you really do need to think about things like the race, age and gender of the child you want to take home. Many kids who are up for adoption are considered "special needs" and that means that they might have disabilities or health problems. You need to decide if you can adopt one of these kids. Would you be willing to adopt a child from another part of the world, such as Asia, Africa or Eastern Europe? There are so many choices out there and you simply have to figure out what kind of child you want to adopt the most.

Lots of options exist for parents who want to adopt children born in other countries. You have to put some work into learning the requirements and costs that are associated with and accumulated during the process of adopting a child from one of a variety of different countries. In China and Ethiopia, to use one example, illness and overpopulation have built up a massive amount of kids who need to be adopted. Yet even some countries with many needy children still have restrictions on who is allowed to adopt. It's hard, for example, to adopt an Indian child if you are not of the same ethnic background. There are a lot of people within the US who are trying to adopt children from China but the process of doing so costs quite a lot of time and money. It isn't hard to find an agency that will specialize in helping you adopt a child from your country of choice.

A very high percentage of the kids who need to be adopted are labeled "special needs." This term is incredibly vague and can be assigned to lots of different types of kids.
Most commonly, it is assigned to kids who have health problems or disabilities (physical, emotional or mental). Sometimes though it is assigned to other factors like a child's age or race. Above a certain age, for example, a child may be given this label because it's harder for older children to find families who want to adopt them. Some agencies will even label a child as "special needs" because he or she comes from a minority ethnic background as it is harder to find parents who want to adopt children from these races. Male kids are more likely to be given the "special needs" label because there are a lot more of them who need to be adopted.

The process of adopting a child is a little different depending on where you live and whether you plan to adopt a child from your own country or internationally. Still it isn't a decision that can be entered into lightly because it involves lots of commitment both in terms of your time and your money. Most of all, however, you need to be certain beyond a doubt that you want to add someone new to your family.